I just finished my race in Berlin and took the 3 hr train back to Bremen.. My first race here was terrible, I dont know how to put it into words. Every time I think of it, it's like thinking I ran that race 2 years ago.. And not just that... This race timing was one of my Worst 2 years ago... Sadly it's one of my Best this year. Won't you ever wonder what's really wrong when everything looks perfect. I mean I grew bigger for a reason right. I improved my technique for a reason, So why isnt the reason helping me? It's so freaking shameful. I'm so ashamed, frustrated, sad, ahhh whatever you name it. I feel so terrible.

Is it just me, or am I really just waiting to come back home... I miss my family so damn much I don't like it here. I really don't. Speaking of home, I can't wait to hear swearings from my coach about how lousy I am and " What happened?" Followed by "Why so slow".... Maybe I did not deserve this.

I wish all this was just a dream....